


Body Awake, Soul Asleep

by TheGirlInTheBlackVeil



Series: A Beloved Tale Retold [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 03:45:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7027159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlInTheBlackVeil/pseuds/TheGirlInTheBlackVeil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anyone who knew Arthur Pendragon would claim that he had a near perfect life...</p>
<p>A modern tale about our dear Arthur featuring an annoying narrator that is to be read with all the crypticness of Kilgharrah and all the sarcasm/fake caring of an evil Morgana (specifically the tone she uses when she says "dear brother").</p>
            </blockquote>





	Body Awake, Soul Asleep

**Author's Note:**

> Please adhere to the rating!!!
> 
> I didn't want to spoil anything with warnings but by rating this as mature I expect readers to be able to handle everything that falls under the label of "mature content" be that foul language, attempted rape, graphic descriptions of violence, etc. etc..  
> Other than that I'll let this fic speak for itself.

Anyone who knew Arthur Pendragon would claim that he had a near perfect life, even considering that his mother died giving birth to him and therefore he had never known a mother’s love. Arthur was a young man of twenty-six, he was healthy, he was wealthy, he was drop dead gorgeous and therefore he was every woman’s (and some men’s) dream come true.

Arthur had always been blessed with good looks, originally from his mother but he developed his father’s handsome features as he grew older. As a baby his caretakers had fallen for his big blue eyes, adorable button nose, his tiny fingers, and the fine blond wisps that adorned his head. As a toddler he had developed a toothy grin and everyone wanted to have his smile or his angelic little laugh directed towards them. As a child Arthur was incredibly mature, the result of good breeding and nurturing, he was well dressed and polite, able to hold an intelligent conversation with adults while still retaining a boyish charm; people naturally migrated towards him. He was such a good boy, always willing to settle down to do his school work or help the staff around the mansion yet still retaining his boyish eagerness to go outside and play footie or any other activity that would involve running around to burn off excess energy. Puberty had been kind to him, turning boyish beauty into chiselled handsomeness. Arthur developed his father’s strong jaw and brow and an aristocratic nose, broad shoulders and strong hands. His continued involvement in sports paid off and a strong set of muscles made themselves known from under his golden skin. He dressed smartly and as he continued to grow older his form filled out his suits nicely. Normally such high end brands like Armani, Gucci, Ralph Lauren, would look out of place on someone so young, young men always looked like they were drowning and uncomfortable in their suits, but Arthur pulled it off in a way that showcased his beauty and wealth and demanded respect without appearing to be bragging about his entitlement.

The moment he was old enough he had offers from practically everyone everywhere asking to be his girlfriend or boyfriend. He almost always had a woman on his arm at every social function and whenever Arthur wasn’t dating someone he would instantly be rated as the world’s most eligible bachelor. Despite the fact his relationships never lasted long, only one to date having made it past the six month mark, he never stayed single for long.

Many yearned to have Arthur Pendragon as a boyfriend but he seemed to exclusively date females from the upper society, more specifically, daughters of his father’s business associates. See, his father, Uther Pendragon, while not the nicest of men, cared deeply for his son and wanted to ensure that his son was given every opportunity to find The One who would complete him the way Ygraine had completed him. Uther had found Ygraine when he had been quite young and before he had been weighed down with the responsibility of running a business empire and since both Uther and his son were now quite busy with the company Uther felt the need to aid his son in his search for a partner. However, since Uther did not know many suitable young women whom he felt could be trusted with his son’s heart (read: position and wealth) he was heavily dependent on his close business associates’ daughters under the belief that their daughters could be trusted to behave so as not to damage the relationship between their parent(s) and Uther. (There was one memorable incident where Uther had attempted to give Arthur something different since he had continuously shot down daughter after daughter mainly claiming they were boring. Uther found a dedicated fan of Arthur’s who was pretty, not stalkerish, well educated, and seemed generally interested in Arthur as a person instead of being interested in his position within society or his wealth. Uther had gone as far as to take time off to interrogate her and her family, her only relative being her father, and reached the conclusion that Sophia was a decent match for Arthur. Arthur actually liked her, liked her a little too much in fact, he was skipping work and spoke of her constantly and often had a clouded look in his eye but Uther figured that it was new young love and would soon wear off and left well enough alone, happy that his son was happy. Later it was found that the new young love behaviour and look was due to Arthur being heavily drugged. Uther didn’t understand the entire scandal but understood that Sophia was helping her father infiltrate Uther’s company in attempt to bring it down, something about her father being kicked out of his company because he was blamed for Uther bankrupting them… or something. The only reason they had really been caught was because Arthur collapsed after they gave him too strong a dose and he had to be rushed to hospital where he finally emerged from his drug induced haze three days later.) Despite the fact that Arthur hadn’t had a serious relationship, his longest standing relationship having only lasted eleven months, no one saw this as abnormal or as indication that there was something flawed with Arthur. So what if Arthur didn’t want to settle down yet? He was still young and his time was occupied with trying to make a name for himself, besides there wasn’t a shortage of women throwing themselves at his feet, when one had the pick of the litter they were practically expected to try them all before claiming the best.

As mentioned earlier Arthur worked for his father’s business empire, known collectively as simply Camelot Enterprises, he had been set to inherit it from the day it was founded. Very few dare call him entitled though, while being born to the right man definitely played a major part in Arthur’s good fortune he had worked hard for his position. He was competent enough to fill the role, having gone to university and completed a business degree, he had achieved high marks and had interned at the company during his high school years, also taking on work during uni holidays. As an adult Arthur pulled long hours, was never seen slacking off, his competent answers to employee questions, his level-headedness, and his overall use of logic to move the company forward gained him a respectful following.

Due to his top position at the company he had an incredibly large salary yet despite this Uther still felt the need to gift his son with expensive, and often extravagant, gifts. One such gift was a beautiful country house on the outskirts of Camelot that, while worth a decent amount, had more of a sentimental value that both Uther and Arthur cherished.

Before Arthur had been born Uther and Ygraine had lived in a flat together in a small apartment complex. Uther had been moving up in the world and they were able to set aside a good portion of money with the conclusion that they required a proper house; this was even before they knew Ygraine was pregnant. With Arthur on the way the need for a house big enough to accommodate their family became more dire but Ygraine didn’t want to uproot her family by moving several times for larger or grander houses instead wanting her baby to be born into the perfect family house and never having to have to endure the stress of moving. As a business man Uther supported his wife in this knowing that moving houses would cost them in the long run, so they had found contractors from out of town willing to build Ygraine’s dream house. Arthur’s mother had been talented in the arts and she had enjoyed, on top of many other artsy things, drafting up houses. Ygraine had drafted up several dream houses, a little beach house, a cottage, a mansion, but seeing as Uther’s job was in Camelot and they weren’t millionaires (yet) she had designed an affordable family home that looked beautiful and would suit their needs. At the time buying property in Camelot was incredibly inexpensive. Despite being large, the property they had bought was a twenty minute drive to the city and Camelot didn’t have much; the closest city with so much as a shopping mall was almost an hour away from the property. The property had belonged to an old couple who had been farmers but as they had aged the property had fell into disarray, the couple unable to maintain it due to their age, so they left it to their son and moved into a retirement home. The son had no interest in farming and lived too far away to look after the property opting to put it on the market the moment it had been given to him. That had been eleven years before Uther and Ygraine bought it. It had been such a money pit and had fallen into a further state of disrepair that Uther had no difficulty negotiating a price even lower than market value. The majority of the property was left alone, a fence was erected to separate it from the part they were working on, but they tore down the old farm house, shed, barn, and silo anyway to prevent wild animals from inhabiting the buildings (Uther also claimed criminals or the homeless could attempt to live in the old structures, or that children could attempt to play in them and that due to the state of decay could injure themselves meaning lawsuits could follow. The contractors had thought it a joke but Ygraine had rolled her eyes at her husband’s paranoia.) The foundation for their house was built near the front of the property, only a few meters back from the road. Ygraine was happy with the size of the property despite the majority of it not being used; she claimed that they could always expand the house later when they had more money or if the need arose. She had also said that their children could build a house of their own out back when they were grown up so she could keep her babies close and they would be able to see the grandbabies every day.

At this point in time Uther and Ygraine were considered quite wealthy but in comparison to what Uther had now they were incredibly poor; as such they could not afford a large crew to work on the house. Even considering both Uther and Ygraine had pitched in to help build it, a few weeks of less than ideal weather and a lack of funds to bring in more crew to compensate for the time lost, meant they hadn’t had the chance to move in before Ygraine went into labour.

Of course Ygraine had died that night, not having received any orders stating otherwise the contractors finished the house but Uther couldn’t bring himself to move in, he was too busy anyway with his new son and the court case, then the company later on. By the time Arthur was a year old Uther had made his first million and had brought out Ygraine’s old dream house plans and had Pendragon Manor constructed. Wanting to be close to the office as well as to Ygraine’s memory he had bought the little three story apartment complex they had been renting a flat in and surrounding property tearing it down in order to construct Pendragon Manor.

Uther refused to part with the original country house though. He and Ygraine had worked on it together, it had been her dream, there were photos of her with her ever expanding belly staking out the property, knocking down the old structures, helping to install the hardwood floors, the front hall chandelier, the French doors, painting the walls. He had bought her a grand piano and it had been set up in the living area as soon as the carpet had been laid. When she had been too big to do anything she would sit at the piano and play for Uther and the workers as they toiled, brightening their days by providing home cooked meals, sweets, refreshments, and of course, music. There were too many memories there that pained Uther but Ygraine had loved that place too much for him to give it up. He had even buried her ashes under the apple tree in the backyard while remembering how she had climbed it when they had first gone for a tour of the property in order to sample the fruit that decorated the branches.

Uther and Arthur would visit the house at least once a year, normally during her birthday, to pay their respects. They would often stay in the house overnight, make a visit out of it. They would live in that house as if they always had, there would also be none of the normal staff that followed in their wake. The two of them would make their own meals in the kitchen and eat together in the connecting dining area, they would clean up after themselves rather than have maids do it and neither of them would do any type of work that day. They were almost playing pretend, pretending that they had taken off work and school to celebrate Ygraine’s birthday with her, living as if she had never died. After they had said their respects kneeling at the foot of the apple tree they would make sure everything was how they found it, lock up and return to their normal lives, leaving the house and Ygraine behind them to anticipate their next visit.

Everyone had been astonished when Arthur asked for that house and even more shocked when Uther granted his request. It had been assumed that Uther wanted the house to remain undisturbed, a frozen moment of a happier time or perhaps a peaceful resting place for his late wife. Uther though said he was happy with this arrangement, claiming that while it was too painful for him to live there he wanted to see Ygraine’s wish of her family occupying the house fulfilled and that she would be happy that Arthur was living there. Arthur had commented on the house’s state of decay when asking for it, claiming that even if Uther didn’t want him to change anything he could at least repair it to its original condition. But Uther granted him permission to do whatever he wanted with the house so long as it was looked after and Ygraine’s resting place remained undisturbed. He then continued to go on about how glad Ygraine would be to be able to see her son every day, he suggested Arthur get married in his backyard so that Ygraine may witness and that the grandchildren could play back there. Of course everyone felt Uther was getting a bit ahead of himself as Arthur had just graduated university at this time and didn’t even have a girlfriend but the press was ecstatic anyway.

There was a lot of media coverage in the following weeks, anything from old stories about how Uther and Ygraine had been soulmates, how tragic her death had been, how romantic the notion was that Arthur would raise his family in the country home where Ygraine had intended to raise hers, to updates on the repairs and renovations, pictures of Arthur helping the renovation crew and moving in. After three weeks of this Uther enforced an anti-media/paparazzi zone around the house stating that his son deserved privacy and after three weeks of bugging him they should have enough photos of him and his new house and that at this point they were disturbing Arthur’s life. Trespassers were charged and once it was clear that the Pendragons meant business most people backed off. Uther still suggested Arthur install a privacy fence around the property and had a team comprised of lawyers, public relations specialists, security details, and internet gurus hunt down anyone who had taken photos of the house or Arthur on the property without explicit consent in order to press charges in attempt to discourage others from violating his son’s privacy, knowing that it was a sacred thing and one’s personal property should be the one place they were allowed to relax.

While nothing when standing next to Pendragon Manor, Arthur’s house was still beautiful in its own right. Camelot had grown considerably since his father had expanded the business, refusing to move headquarters out of Camelot, meaning Arthur was only a ten minute drive from the outskirts of town and twenty-five from the downtown core where Camelot Castle (aka head office) was located. He was far enough away that he had a decent amount of privacy but close enough that the commute wasn’t a hindrance. Arthur had always enjoyed nature and the fact that his house was on a large property located in the country allotted for a large backyard as well as the small forest that had grown just outside of it. Inside the house everything had been modernized with the best of everything. One of the bedrooms that was originally supposed to be one of the children’s rooms had been renovated into a fully functioning office. The bathrooms had been updated to include soaker tubs and a full walk in showers. The kitchen, despite the fact that Arthur, being a bachelor and not very skilled in the culinary arts, rarely used it, had been upgraded to include marble countertops and an under mount sink with a gorgeous facet, and stainless steel appliances had replaced the old almond ones. The living space that came off the kitchen, opposite the dining room, hadn’t been changed much, his mother’s grand piano still sat there and apparently once those things were in, they couldn’t really be moved (they had brought it in before putting the doors in since it was too big to fit through them). Arthur had tried to study music as a child in attempt to be closer to his mother but it appeared he hadn’t been gifted with any of her artistic talents. While he had mastered a few scales and songs like _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_ , Arthur never attempted to play what he thought of as her piano but ensured it was always dusted and polished and tuned. Her old music, that she had written herself, remained in note books and folders, some in the bookshelf, some in the piano bench, most stored away. A flat screen television had been mounted in the space though, the furniture updated and the walls repainted. The basement of his house had been finished, the laundry room had been updated, the water heater and water softener as well as the switch board had been sectioned off into their own little room and the majority of the basement had become a proper man’s den. Another flat screen took up the majority of the one wall, surround sound speakers had been installed, there was a billiard table and a dart board, Arthur’s old athletic awards and trophies were proudly on display (his business awards and degree were hung up in his office at work), there was even a bar complete with a mini fridge, sink, bar stools, and cabinets, and the bar always remained properly stocked.

Arthur’s house was the perfect mix of functional and aesthetically pleasing. It was a house one would expect a married couple to own, not a bachelor. Despite the man cave the rest of the house was sophisticated and clean, no one would guess that it belonged to a single man fresh out of uni, it continued to remain this way as Arthur aged, things being updated with the season to remain trendy. Mind you, with all the work his son was doing Uther thought it necessary to send over a cleaner twice a month but Arthur could normally take care of the place, doing his own dishes, taking out the rubbish, doing his laundry (at least everything that didn’t need dry cleaning), and therefore everyone felt justified in claiming that Arthur Pendragon not only cared about cleanliness but was enthusiastic about maintaining it. While the rumor of an army of maids had been squashed another one about an interior designer or even Morgana Goode-Childe being responsible for the décor had yet to be either confirmed or denied. When polled about whether this rumor mattered to people though the majority voted that it did not claiming that just because he wasn’t the one responsible for the aesthetic elements of his property did not mean that Arthur Pendragon did not care for a beautiful house, rather it meant he was willing to admit that he was not excellent at interior design and proved that he did care enough to hire someone to ensure his house remained trendy.

Due to the fact Arthur was so busy, and perhaps because he liked his privacy, there were never any huge parties thrown at his house but he did entertain occasionally, whether the company be business associates, employees, or family. Arthur Pendragon was always discussed in the media, even if only briefly, minor things like events he had attended that week or just photos of him in his day to day life but following social events hosted at his house the media would often flare up, Arthur’s guest having provided information to the press about him and his wonderful house. While good looks, millionaire status and excellent business man were enough to make him famous being reminded that he kept a home that would make any woman happy on top of all that made everyone go wild. Many people would cite Arthur Pendragon as being the perfect man, claiming he was a modern Prince Charming when asked; he was handsome, rich, smart, funny, and he kept a beautiful house that any woman would love to raise a family in.

We join Arthur here now on the beautiful morning of Friday, March 18th, 2016, the day of his twenty-seventh birthday. Uther has so graciously gifted his son not only the day but the entire weekend, including Monday, off work. It has been decided that the three of them will celebrate together tomorrow at a fancy restaurant out of town that Morgana had discovered and had been attempting to get Arthur to go to since she found it. His relationship with Morgana is a strange one, they genuinely care for each other but they also fight like cats and dogs and seem to enjoy tormenting each other. At one point it was rumored that they were to be married to each other but the two of them had nipped that one in the bud pretty early making a public statement about how even though they weren’t actually brother and sister they felt like they were family and therefore, would never develop feelings for each other. With a family celebration scheduled for the following evening Arthur has the entire day to do whatever he pleases, and it was expected that he relax and go out later with friends to party hard so long as nothing illegal or slander invoking occurs.

Arthur had started his birthday the night before, leaving the office at a decent time and resolving not to look at anything work related until he returned on Tuesday. As he had a bad habit of working when bored he prevented himself from doing so by blocking all work related websites on his computer for the duration of the weekend and turning off the notifications on his phone. He stayed up a little later than usual catching a movie on the television and treating himself to alcohol, something he normally did not permit during the work week, before taking a bubble bath, something he secretly loved but rarely allowed himself to indulge in, before crawling into bed. Today he sleeps in and even after waking up resolves to stay in bed for a few more hours, content to doze. Soon though his brain decides it is time to awaken thus barricading him from anymore dreamless sleep and he gets up going through his standard morning routine. He reads over his to do list deciding he could get some of it done this morning and celebrate tonight. Realizing his fridge is looking bare he decides that he really needs to do some errands today. Sipping on his coffee he heads out in his robe and slippers to fetch the morning paper which he normally reads during breakfast. He pauses as he opens his front door. It is quite nice out, sunny, mild for this time of the year, the birds are chirping, the snow is melting, the animals appear to be out of their winter hibernation and searching for food or a mate, some of the early spring flowers have even begun to poke their heads up from the earth.

Which is why on the beautiful morning of his twenty-seventh birthday Arthur Pendragon decides to take a stroll from his backdoor, through his garden, to the old apple tree, breathing in the scent of early spring and admiring the flowers that had grown almost overnight on his way, before hanging himself.

Sorry was that too fast? Did that not make sense? Well it didn’t make sense to anyone who knew him either. That’s the thing though, no one really knew Arthur Pendragon. The description above is how the world saw him but life is not a fairy tale, and no matter how rich and handsome someone might be no one’s life is perfect. Shall we start again?

Anyone who knew Arthur Pendragon would claim he had a near perfect life, but they didn't consider the fact that he had been taught the importance of façade from an early age. While Arthur might have only been twenty-six he felt his body was closer to that of a middle aged man and his mind was that of a child. While he might have been considered healthy; he wasn't dying from cancer, wasn't malnourished like the kids in Africa, wasn't suffering from so much as obesity, there were little problems in his life that made him feel like if he actually ever bothered to go for a check-up he'd be diagnosed with something horrible. He had all these aches and pains, constant headaches, acne and not just on his face, he believed his skin had adopted a greenish grey hue, felt that his eyes were getting worse again, his teeth were crooked which made it hard to care for them and the dentist said that was why his gums were receding, often bleeding and why he had halitosis, not to mention these little blister bubbles kept forming on his hands and then popping, only to dry out and peel off until his hands were bloody then, just as the skin was healing, grow back again, and recently he had been having major abdominal pain. While he was wealthy beyond belief in the physical sense he felt he was poor in the emotional and affectionate sense. And despite all the sources, from Morgana to the hordes of fans, that would tell him otherwise Arthur felt like an ugly duckling compared to everyone else. He was convinced that people only saw his wealth, be this because of his expensive suits and the hair and makeup team that dealt with him before any public events to make him appear presentable, or just the fact that his wealth made him famous.

Arthur had never really been blessed in the looks department, originally he had looked too feminine, everyone claimed it was like looking at a miniature version of Ygraine and later he developed his father's stern features, all together he resembled something a bit like Frankenstein’s monster. Arthur doesn't remember his very early days but from photographs he sees himself resembling a pink, blobby troll, with hair so fine he looks bald and eyes too big for his face. As a toddler he was all teeth, his father managing to find amusement in telling him about how he put absolutely everything in his mouth and at one point had started biting people. Apparently he would never shut up and seemed like he was a bi-polar baby, either screaming and crying or laughing like a maniac and babbling a thousand words a minute. As a child Arthur have been incredibly naive, the result of a lack of proper nurturing and attention, he dressed in his most expensive clothes whenever he could around his classmates and despite his father trying to give him some privacy, a normal childhood, by insisting he be called Arthur de Bois, Arthur blew his cover early on hoping that he could throw around the name Pendragon like his father did to boss other kids around; children naturally avoided him. He always seemed to be getting into trouble with his father, he wasn't dedicated enough in regards to school because he would not spend enough time studying and working on assignments, always getting in the way of the staff at the manor by distracting them claiming he was “helping out”, not to mention he had way too much energy his father often kicking him outside to run it off since Arthur, even being on the other side of the manor, was being too loud and preventing him from completing any work. Puberty had been cruel to him, turning a feminine boy into an awkward looking teenager. He developed his father's strong jaw and brow and, while they suited his father just fine, they clashed with his feminine features making him look permanently cross. His nose also got extremely large, people would always stare at it instead of looking him in the eyes, his broad shoulders made the rest of him look scrawny and his large hands looked like those of a criminal, they looked like the hands that would get into fist fights, strangle a man, or hold down a woman. He continued with various sports, having long given up the hope of making friends through his participation instead swapping it for the hope to bulk up and developing muscle. While wearing fine clothes had always been a common occurrence for him everything seemed to fit strange now that he was growing, not to mention that he only had two suits and a few dress shirts at a time, growing out of his clothes way too quickly and while the money needed to obtain new clothing wasn't so much an issue the time it took to do so was. Arthur remembers an instance where his father had a suit commissioned for him, two weeks later, when they went to pick it up, it was already too small. His father had insisted that the tailor had measured wrong so measurements were taken again under Uther's careful eye and the entire process was done again, three weeks later they had discovered again that it was too small. After that the tailor always made his suits a size bigger than what his measurements called for, making him feel like a drowning rat in them, this finally stopped when Arthur stopped growing. At this point in time Arthur just wished he could be normal and didn't have to wear suits, he had learned his lesson as a child, wearing suits at a young age made you look like you were an entitled snob, it didn't earn you any friends, quite the opposite really, but Arthur figured even if he dressed normally at this point people had already formed opinions and there was no hope of him obtaining any friends.

The moment he was old enough he had people looking to use him, if his father hadn't warned him about their type he might have been pathetic enough to believe they actually wanted to date him. His father had warned him though; he knew they were after his wealth or their thirty seconds of fame. Since he was old enough though it was expected he be seen taking a romantic interest in people, his father said it was good for publicity, for both their personal images and the image of Camelot Enterprises. His father always arranged for him to have an upper class woman on his arm at all social events.

Later his father actually attempted to set up relationships for him but he often just couldn’t stand them, and they him, and so they never lasted long. But his father would never let him stay single for long, in Uther's eyes Arthur was a healthy young man and therefore should have strong sexual desires, not indicating a strong interest in women would make it appear as if something was wrong with him or, heaven forbid, that he was one of those faggots and trying to hide it. While his father would rather he settle down to make another little Pendragon quickly in order to secure the future of the company, after Arthur had rejected several women Uther had decided Arthur was to be portrayed as a player, dating beautiful, respectable women and tiring of them quickly because they were unable to satisfy him. Arthur quite hated it, the only women Uther trusted were those related to his close business partners, which meant Arthur often got roped into relationships with snobby little white girls who came from old money, or at least had been born into a rich family. They were used to receiving everything they wanted and needed constant attention since they were accustomed to soaking it up from the time they were babies and if withheld from this attention for a few hours would become deprived and feel neglected and would die a horrible lonely death (okay that last one was just Arthur’s humorous attempt at coping, he was a bad person for wishing such a fate upon them, no matter how horrible they were). Despite what his father might think about them being decent and not using them, partly because they were already rich and had lots of attention, partly because they wouldn't want to damage relationships between Uther and their parents, Arthur still felt they were using him. Maybe he was biased; after all, he did hear a fair number of men complaining about having to pay for all the dates and expensive gifts and about always being the ones to look after their girlfriends while the girlfriends didn't recuperate their efforts. Arthur was busy enough with school though, and later with work, he was exhausted from that so he didn't much feel like spending his evening going to dinner and a movie, buying flowers or gifts for upcoming birthdays, holidays, or other celebrations, and he absolutely hated giving up his weekends to be dragged to the mall being forced to answer questions like "is this dress too revealing?", "do you think this purse will go with my snake skin shoes... No, not the sandals, the kitten heels... No, the ones with the pointed toe... Honestly Arthur, I could wear a paper bag and you wouldn't even notice", and let's not forget Vivien with her, "Arthur-boo, will you help me pick out new panties?", after which he would be expected to pay for everything. He wanted a romance like the one his parents had shared but every woman he seemed to get stuck with was incredibly boring. Not all of them were dumb, per se, more… maybe dull was the word. While some of them could talk business he wasn't really interested in that having dealt with it all day, he definitely wasn't interested in fashion or celebrity gossip, and they also caused him to develop a dislike for the arts dragging him to operas and plays, art museums and art lessons, musicals and dance classes.

There was one memorable instance where Arthur had begged his father to let him date someone not related to the business. His father had asked who he wanted to date, assuming he had found someone he had taken romantic interest towards, but Arthur hadn't. Rather he had resigned himself to the fact he would be dating until he was married and had hoped that he could find someone he actually might be able to settle down with from somewhere outside the group his father had been selecting from. Uther, with all his paranoia had set some of his research and legal teams out to look for a potential girlfriend for Arthur, a folder with acceptable matches had made its way to Arthur who had been asked to pick out a few women he thought he would like, his father then personally interviewed these women and presented Arthur with the best candidate. Arthur wasn't sure exactly what they had given him, or even how (apparently there had been traces of it in her lip gloss but he must have ingested more of it than that for it to have been effective). Whatever it had been had made him not only very suggestible but also very loopy and disconnected from reality, he had spent the majority of the time in a dream like state, complete with tiredness and prone to falling asleep for brief but frequent naps. Since he couldn't be sure what had been a dream and what had been reality Arthur isn't exactly sure what happened. He remembers being infatuated with Sophia and feeling exuberated that he had finally found someone he liked and who liked him back as a person. He sort of remembers meeting her father and giggling like a school girl over the novelty of meeting the daughter before knowing their parents. He's quite sure he had been obtaining and emailing them important documents about financing and security, even helping them break into the office one night. Apparently the drug they had given him required stronger doses to remain effective but hadn't been safe for long term use, thus causing him to one day collapse in the office after they accidentally overdosed him. Apparently it took him three days to wake up and his heart had stopped twice over that period of time. Seeing his father at the foot of the hospital bed when he woke up, looking like he was close to tears, made Arthur feel like he was still dreaming. Uther claimed he would never let his son date someone he didn't know again and while Arthur should have felt like he was being oppressed he couldn't help but feel grateful, his father was right, people didn't see the Pendragons as humans, they saw them as tools and they would be used without a regard for the suffering it caused if they were given the opportunity to do so.

The other thing was that Arthur would never fall in love with someone from outside the business world. It was during university in a moment of weakness, rather a moment of curiosity that he felt was weakness (because it was a weakness to give into such feelings of curiosity), Arthur had used the internet to search how people fell in love. He had heard of crushes and liking people but he didn’t know how that happened. He was disappointed to find that, for the most part, it was supposed to be due to sexual attraction. However, nothing seemed able to entice Arthur sexually and it was something that made him feel like even more of a monster, even more broken. Of course attraction could be more than sexual, his father was always warning him that people fell in love with money and fame, Arthur also knew that as you got to know a person you could fall in love with their personality (he supposed this was supposed to be different from liking someone as a friend but since he didn’t really have any of those either so he couldn’t say for sure). From there he had searched how to be sexually attracted to someone before losing his nerve in a moment of panic and closing all tabs and clearing the browser history. It angered him that all these other university students could just notice someone and decide they were pretty enough to date and then date them and suddenly they were in love. What was wrong with him that he couldn’t feel anything for anyone? What was he supposed to do? Just pick a girl at random whom he saw often enough that he would have an excuse to interact with them and decide that he “liked” that woman?

Arthur had lived a pretty sheltered life, his father was old fashioned and strongly right winged in his beliefs, he was disapproving of such “unnatural behaviour” and therefore Arthur hadn’t been exposed to anything other than heterosexual relationships before uni. He “found out”, so to speak, about homosexuality and bisexuality during his little crisis which then blew it up into a larger crisis because _what if he was gay_? So with much embarrassment Arthur had started watching the men around him, maybe he was attracted to them? They didn’t seem to do anything for him and maybe it was the nerves interfering and the guilt of even thinking such unnatural thoughts, maybe he was just that far in the proverbial closet, maybe his father’s indirect homophobia had petrified him, but he felt nothing for them either.

It was years later, after Arthur had graduated and had started at the company and had his own house where no one could be looking over his shoulder or catch him doing it, that Arthur finally had the courage to do some more internet searching. It was at this time that Arthur came across the word that both filled him with dread but sometimes relaxed him, because it gave him the knowledge that maybe he wasn’t the only one like this. “Asexual”. He read a fair bit about asexuals, they still seemed capable of romantic relationships and entire communities were popping up dedicated to asexual people, forums to ask questions, websites that acted as a sort of dating site for these people, chats and news postings, some groups even had physical meetups. Arthur was scared and confused, he was too scared to contact these people in any way, his father had raised him with a distrust of the security pertaining to the internet and with a paranoia of paparazzi and information the competition could obtain or really anyone who was capable of judging him, them, the company. He wanted to ask these people questions though; about how they fell in love, he wanted to be told that he could love and be loved in return, he wanted to ask why he was like this, he hadn’t asked for this, if it was his choice he would be normal and be sexually attracted to women. A part of him knew why he was like this, why he wasn’t normal, in a sense it was fitting, he was being punished in a way that fit his crime, he killed Ygraine, taking away the love between her and his father, he killed their love, some people say he killed Uther’s heart, because of him neither Uther nor Ygraine would be able to love again, why should he be allowed to love? That part of him refused to be silent but another part of him refused to be quieted. Which is why Arthur was willing to place his chance of finding a suitable life partner in his father's hands, because with a lack of sexual interest in anyone he wouldn't even know where to start, therefore, if he ever had a chance of loving anyone they would be from his father's society.

So despite all of the negativity Arthur had come to associate with dating and his general lack of interest in the activity, he had still held onto a thread of hope and it paid off for there had been one relationship that had been pleasant enough. It had only lasted eleven months though and Arthur hadn't stopped beating himself up for letting the best thing to ever happen to him slip away. Her name had been Mithian Nemeth, she was the only daughter of one of Uther's oldest friends, Rodor Nemeth who was a shareholder and on the board, the only reason Uther hadn't forced Arthur to date her earlier was due to the fact that she had been in a long term relationship with a high school sweetheart and then needed time to recover from the breakup.

Even though Arthur hadn't felt a sexual attraction or anything that he could call "love at first sight" he could appreciate her beauty, he found he actually enjoyed her company and had honestly thought she would be the one he would settle down with. Both of them were only children with only their fathers left to look after them, and since their parents had set them up it was clear that they approved of the relationship. Mithian’s idea of a date wasn’t shopping, theater, fine dining, or fashion shows, it was horseback riding, going to sports games, going to history museums, clubbing, pub crawls, late night fast food binges. Mithian actually cared about business and had a good head for it. She was intelligent and could talk about more than just business though and yet never had a conversation involved anything about how many pairs of shoes she owned and which famous designer made them or which celebrity was rumored to be banging who. When he had taken her on a picnic and had been overcome by gas, of all things, she hadn’t made a fuss and stuck her nose up in the air, instead she had decided to make a contest of it, belching louder than he possibly could. Despite her very feminine appearance and the fact that she could act like a proper lady Mithian wasn’t like the other women he had dated, she didn’t expect him to lend her his coat, pull out her chair, hold the door open, pay for every outing, make the first move, give everything and receive nothing. She made the others’ behaviour appear needy in comparison to her caring. And wasn't that exactly what Arthur had been missing in his life? He had needed someone to generally care for him, not for his wealth, power, or fame, but for him as a person. He needed to feel like he wouldn't be abandoned, like his nannies who were fired, care takers that moved away without a goodbye, or his mother who just up and died before he got to meet her.  He had been sick of having to care for all of these women without any indication that he would ever receive any sort of caring gestures back, and Mithian's care for him could be felt in almost every gesture. Perhaps it was because of this that Arthur found he legitimately enjoyed spending time with her, he became comfortable putting his arm around her waist and introducing her as his girlfriend, he could tolerate her random touches and even felt something akin to approval when she would come up behind him and hug him in a possessive manner. He figured it was as good as he was going to get and after dating for seven months had bought a ring.

If you recall though their relationship had lasted eleven months, not seven, this is because he didn't propose at seven months. He hadn’t informed anyone of his plan, maybe he should have so that they could encourage him or at least he would feel like they would judge him if he chickened out, but he didn’t tell, and he kept losing his nerve, could never find the right moment to propose. He couldn't understand it, he knew this is what he wanted and he honestly didn't think he would be rejected, Mithian seemed to like him too. While sometimes he couldn't do it because the weather had turned foul before they could finish their picnic, or one of them had been called away early, or, on one memorable occasion, a car had driven too close to the curb too fast and soaked him in freezing cold water, causing him to have to call it an early night lest he freeze to death; most of the time he just couldn't bring the little box out from his pocket and ask the question. He wouldn't be discouraged though, he'd make it perfect, if he hesitated it was because it wasn't the right moment he would try again next time, tomorrow, next weekend, their next date...Suddenly she was breaking up with him claiming that he “is a nice man” but the relationship “isn’t going anywhere” and that he “just [doesn’t] seem interested in [her]", that she was “sorry, but we both deserve to be loved and I really hoped that we could grow to love each other, and I do… I did… love you, Arthur. It’s clear though that you don’t love me, and continuing this relationship without that love won’t be fair to me. I really am sorry though, because I feel like you tried but you just can’t force these things.”

Arthur had cried that night when he had gotten home, he hadn’t cried since his father had scolded him for it when he was four stating that “men don’t cry, men are strong”, he justified it claiming the tears were ones of anger. To prove his anger to himself he gave a manly scream and took the little box from his pocket and whipped it as hard as he could at his wall, it managed to leave a hole in the drywall and then rebounded and took out the bedside lamp, knocking it over and causing it to break. The lamp was replaced in secret, he refused to have the hole fixed though, instead he bought a large piece of modern art to cover it with, it served as a reminder that he was angry, not sad. He continued to be angry, mainly at himself, because he had been too fucking scared and if he had been brave he could be engaged to a wonderful woman, not alone and unloved. That night he realized that he was afraid of a lot of things and that his fear had caused him to lose a lot. When he fell asleep at night in his lonely bed he would stare at that painting, seeing through it to the hole in his bedroom wall and he was reminded that he was angry, that he hated himself, that he had fucked up. Anger and hate were emotions he was allowed to feel, they were masculine, they weren’t weak, they were so strong that they caused him to leak water from his eyes, he wasn’t crying, he wasn’t a baby. It didn’t matter if to others it looked like he was crying when he was just really angry because he only did it in the darkness of the night in his room, in his house, staring at that hole while fisting his blankets and suppressing his noises even though no one would hear. He hated that hole too because it opened more than just the wall, once Arthur had rediscovered crying when he was twenty-five, he couldn’t stop. Surely everyone had caught on by now that there was something wrong with him? Uther only had one child though and he was determined to make the most out of Ygraine's sacrifice, Uther had a life plan laid out in front of Arthur, that plan involved being married with children and so more women were shoved his way and life went on, not a soul knowing what he had gone through.

As mentioned earlier Arthur worked for his father’s business empire, and as per Uther's plan he had been set to inherit it practically from the day he was born. His entire life had been leading up to it, the company was everything to Uther now and he would ensure it survived, even if this meant having his failure of a son take over it, at least Arthur was a pawn and not a player looking to snatch his life’s work from him. Due to this many people thought Arthur entitled despite the fact that Arthur actually worked hard for the position, wanting to please his father more than he actually wanted the position but in the end it didn't matter, he put in a ton of work, nothing had been handed to him. He had received the best education possible while growing up in Camelot, his father even investing thousands into the local school so that they could have better textbooks, better teachers, be exposed to more relevant world issues, his father had also hired a small army of tutors for him, their job to ensure that Arthur not only excelled at all of his classes but that he was learning about Camelot Enterprises and all the skills he would need to one day run it. Later in life his father shipped him off to the best university in the UK and bribed him with extrinsic rewards, allowing his son some time to actually enjoy the university life but threatening to take away the posh flat, the allowance, the car, the tuition, if his grades slipped, and oh how he struggled not to let his grades slip. He still looks back on those years with wonderment, not quite comprehending even now that he had completed his business degree, then again he couldn't really be blamed for not having a clear recollection of everything, the memories made foggy from a combination of anxiety, lack of sleep, and a diet mainly consisting of coffee. Any time he had off, such as holidays, was usually spent trying to work for the company, to further prove to his father that he wanted to learn about the business, that he could be the person his father wanted him to be. Over working himself seemed to have become a habit he couldn't give up though, it was the only way his father would notice him, offer him suggestions and maybe, just maybe the occasional praise. After being physically distant for the first eight years of his life, then avoiding Arthur after his fifteenth birthday his father's time and attention meant everything to him. If Uther could only bare to look at his son if Arthur was successfully advancing the business then it was no surprise that Arthur would spend a ridiculous number of hours in the office and take on more work than probably healthy, all the while ensuring he was playing the perfect son for Uther, never slacking off, trying not to bug his father with trivial things instead trying to take on his father's mindset when problem solving. Arthur felt like he was drowning, a heavy work load he could handle, it was more that he didn't really know what he was doing, he never felt competent in the answers he gave, the proposals he made, the problems he tried to fix, he often questioned if he was made for a leadership role because he always wanted to check in with his father on practically everything, felt that he couldn't figure out what to do next if someone didn't tell him what to do. His father could never know of this weakness though, at the same time Arthur wasn't allowed to demonstrate this weakness by messing up. There was a time when he thought he had and had been sure his father had given up on him and would just hand the company over to Morgana instead, even if she was a woman, younger than him, and not his child. If that ever happened Arthur's relationship with his father would be non-existent, even if Uther didn't take away his house and all this allowance, disowned him, because Uther and Arthur's relationship at this point was solely based on business oriented interactions, Morgana's bimonthly dinners not included.

Ah, yes, his fifteenth birthday, the day that marked the end of Arthur's hopes and dreams. After Arthur was born Uther couldn't really take care of him, first it was grief and shock, then it was anger, then it was arranging the funeral and suing the doctor, going to court. After that Uther owned the company he had been set to take over and a change in management always meant risk of losing business, Uther was so busy trying to keep the company from going bankrupt and later trying to make something out of the small bank that he seemed to have forgotten that he even had a son, needing to be reminded about him if only to assign someone to take care of him, or to have Arthur and the nannies moved to Pendragon Manor, and to pay said nannies and provide funding for supplies. It was actually Gaius who looked after Arthur the majority of the time for the first year and a half of his life, not that Arthur remembers. Once the case had been settled, the company growing, and money invested into building Pendragon Manor Uther seemed to have regained enough of his sanity to have Arthur in the same hotel he was currently living in, paying the staff to look after him during all hours of the day. By the time Arthur was three the construction of Pendragon Manor had been completed and he was moved there, a new set of nannies hired to look after him. Uther started to take more of an interest in him at this point and wanted the best nannies so it took a few years to find the right people. By the time this was accomplished Arthur had out grown nannies, already in school for the majority of his waking hours, he needed tutors and a caretaker or two to look after him after Uther left for work and before he returned, also on weekends and holidays. Finally sometime during Arthur's eighth year of life his father actually sought a relationship with him, people speculated as to the reason behind the sudden change. Was the company finally stable? Did Uther finally come back to his senses? Did he finally deem Arthur mature enough to handle a relationship with his father? Whatever the reason Arthur had finally found himself with a steady figure in his life, it took a while for them to figure out how to interact with each other, an even longer time for Arthur to figure out that Uther planned on sticking around, that technically he had been there from the beginning, even if they didn't have a relationship for the entire duration, that his father didn’t plan on abandoning him.

The thing was that the moment Arthur relaxed is the moment everything went wrong. He had become too comfortable and obviously slipped up. It happened the night of his fifteenth birthday, of this he is certain. Part of that night is incredibly clear and part of it is missing. He remembers his father had informed him that he had an important business dinner meeting and regretted that he wouldn't be able to take Arthur out for dinner, since they couldn't have a family dinner Morgana had been allowed to go to a sleep over at her friend's house, being fifteen now, once the caretakers had seen Morgana to her friend’s house they left and the rest of the staff followed soon after having completed their work for the day. Uther had come home and judging by the flush on his cheeks and the sheen to his eye he was a bit tipsy, but still as put together as always, but it was clear, looking back now at least, that he had been drinking. He made an unorthodox suggestion and Arthur wasn't going to shoot it down even if he was a bit hesitant, feeling like he was breaking the law. His father had said that next year he would be legally allowed to drink and would probably want to go out and get sloshed with friends instead of hanging out with his no-nonsense dad but Uther said he wanted to be with Arthur when he had his first drink (and Arthur wasn't going to tell him that Morgana had dared him to take a swig of his scotch a year and a half ago because he wanted his father to be there for something that obviously meant a lot to his father). Uther went all out though, he didn't just pour his son a finger of scotch, a glass of wine, or open a beer bottle, no Uther had to go and buy every type of alcoholic beverage the local liquor store had, claiming he wanted to find a drink his son liked. They had ended up on the sofa in the den, drinking together, Arthur remembers actually liking some of the coolers and more "girly" drinks the most; but he wouldn't admit that to his father instead sampling everything hoping to find a beer or a spirit that he didn't mind to claim that as his preferred drink of. He doesn't remember much after that.

He woke up with a killer hangover at two o'clock in the afternoon the next day in his bed, less dressed than what he remembers being, his father wasn't even home but when he got home he completely ignored Arthur, wouldn't even look at him. At first he thought his father had had a long day, that he was hung over too. The same thing happened the next day, and the day after that, and the following day, and as the days went by Arthur's sense of dread grew. If only he could remember what he had done, at least then he could try to apologize for it, make amends, but he couldn't remember. To this day Arthur doesn't remember and his father has never informed him, Arthur tries not to think about it now, after all it's in the past, Uther started talking to him again, could bare to look at him again, when he was applying for university, when he stated he wanted his father's help to pick the best program, the best school so that he could learn all about Camelot Enterprises and everything he would need to work there, just like his father wanted. It wasn't the same as those golden days, the days between his eighth year and fifteenth birthday, but he held on to what he had, tried not to think about what he did, because even though he isn't sure, he has an idea and it makes everything in him cringe in shame. He probably confessed his love for his father, cried about how happy he was they finally had a relationship, how alone he felt, how his father was the only good thing he had. It was probably way too girly and pathetic for Uther. Arthur's love was not what his father wanted, his father wanted his mother and here Arthur was on the anniversary of her death trying to replace her.

Ygraine had been a taboo subject, Arthur learned early on not to ask about his mother, his father would either lose his temper or go silent and get a faraway look in his eyes, sometimes though, if Arthur was lucky, Uther would talk about her without prompting and Arthur lived to receive these little snippets about his mother. He built a picture in his mind about who she had been and what kind of mother she would be; getting to meet his mother was at the top of Arthur's wish list. As such the second best gift Uther had ever given to him was Ygraine's house. The best gift had been those approximately six years of his fatherly presence. Arthur loved his little house, not that it was little but it was smaller than Pendragon Manor. He was more relaxed in this home, it was far enough away from the city, not to mention the threats his father had made about trespassing charges, meant that he wasn't paranoid about someone peaking in the windows. He acted like a child in his house most of the time, because he was just a boy in a man's body, he hadn't received a mother's nurturing and so he had never grown. He would sing along to his favourite songs knowing that no one could criticize him for being off key, would strip out of his suits as soon as he got home because no one would see, he’d dance around in his pants because he could and no one would make fun of the way he danced, if it could even be called that for it was more of a jumping with flailing hands, or comment on his body. While he had fixed the house and updated it, as was expected of him, he had left the upstairs alone. The upstairs was the master bedroom, with the walk in closet, the en suite, and the little nursery off to the side, so Ygraine could keep her babies close. Arthur had left it completely alone, only cleaning it. The furniture was all the same, the drapes and comforter still 80's inspired, the basinet that was supposed to be his with its mobile still sat in the nursery, an addition to said nursery was Teddy, the large stuffed white teddy bear Ygraine had won at a carnival that had been Arthur’s until Uther had decided he had outgrown it. Arthur stored everything he had of his mother under the queen sized bed upstairs. It wasn't much, a few photographs Uther hadn’t found, her art supplies and sketch book, her plans for the house, a few paintings, a few sculptures, a few crochet, knitting, sewing, and cross stitching projects. Ygraine's family had been very Catholic and as such it had been expected he'd be baptized (it never actually happened and at one point he thought this is what he was being punished for so he had sought peace through religion, through God, he was fifteen at the time and didn't understand half of what he read in the bible and didn't dare ask to go to church, later in life he still occasionally tried to find comfort in religion the way so many had but he just didn't get it) so Ygraine had made him a christening gown that he also stored under the bed. Arthur's room was downstairs. There were two bedrooms downstairs, one had been meant for the boys to share, one for the girls, a bathroom in between. He had converted the one into an office and the other was his bedroom. He didn't pretend he had siblings but he did only allow himself a twin bed because normal kids had twin beds even if he had grown up with a double. It wasn’t like he needed anything bigger anyway, it was improbable that he would ever find a wife and he would never have a lover.

At this point in his life Arthur hated a lot of things, he also felt indifferent towards most everything he didn't hate. If he was asked to name one thing he liked though it would be his house. It was his escape and it was as close as he would ever get to his mother. It reminded him of the family he never had and sometimes it was nice to pretend that they were a family, that they were a normal happy family. It made living much more bearable.

Living wasn't very bearable. Arthur didn't have anyone, well technically he had his father and Morgana and his most recent girlfriend and an entire company of employees but he wasn't close to anyone, he didn't have friends. The closest thing he had to a friend was Leon, the guy who worked in security and always acted as his body guard/chauffer to any formal press conferences, charity events, or even business trips. Arthur felt they had bonded a bit the one time they went to America. Even though they had their own separate rooms in the hotel they had ended up in the same room, drinking beer and eating junk from a nearby convenience store, crap American reality telly had been on in the background and they had spent the night talking. They had been jet lagged, trying to adjust to the time change and prepare for a meeting the following evening, they had nothing to do being in a quite city (as far as America went) and bored out of their minds. Normally he and Leon didn't seek each other to interact, but when they were forced together they were friendly. Leon probably didn't consider him a friend though, only once had Leon come over to his place for dinner and a beer and it hadn't been work related, well in the end it had been, Uther had wanted Leon to check the security of the house, the locks, the windows, check for wires, that kind of thing. So really they only ever talked when it was because of business yet he was the closest thing Arthur had to a friend. It was pathetic.

Arthur had two extremes when it came to sleeping, either he couldn't get up or he couldn't get to sleep. His brain just wouldn't shut off most nights, sometimes if he stayed up late enough working perhaps hit the gym at the office, he could fall asleep within a few minutes but it was usually a lengthy process that lasted anywhere from forty minutes to an hour and a half on a good night, some nights he would give up around four in the morning and just get up and go to the office. It was one of the reasons he was always working, it got his mind off things and it might be enough to tire him to sleep. He knew what insomnia was, he still remembers a high school health class when they talked about healthy sleep and remembers being baffled by the fact that most people fell asleep within the first ten minutes and slept a full eight to ten hours without waking up whether from a nightmare, remembering something important that had to be done, or relatively non-intrusive external stimuli. His father had a doctor on hand, and there was Gaius, but going to them for something to help him sleep was really pathetic. This didn't stop him from snatching a few of Morgana's natural sleep aids that Gaius made her for her nightmares and taking one if he hadn't seen sleep in a few days or if he really needed sleep that night because of something important happening the following day. Sometimes though he was so tired, or he had been gently roused to the brink between awake and asleep and wanted to fall back asleep, that he would lay in bed for hours, refusing to move until his bladder really demanded it or his mouth was parched or his stomach was being too loud to allow him any rest. A lot of people thought he was a heavy sleeper because of this. He wasn't though, the slightest irregularity in noise, light, temperature would wake him, it didn't mean he was getting out of bed. Arthur didn't like his privacy being disturbed but he only had himself to blame when his father copied the key to his house to give to his PA, Isolde, so that she could let herself in and drag him out of bed. This would happen because either it was supposed to be Arthur's day off and his father suddenly needed him and he just didn't want to get up to answer his phone and drag himself to the office or on the occasions where he just turned off his alarm and lay in bed until someone forced him out of it. Of course his father thought that Arthur was a heavy sleeper and had his phone on vibrate and didn't hear the door when someone knocked or that he had forgotten to set his alarm, either way it was Arthur's fault that he didn't answer his phone or get the door so Isolde now had a key.

When Uther gave him time off Arthur didn't know what to do with himself. Sometimes, if he wasn't able to sleep or was feeling particularly fat or out of shape, he would go to the office anyway to use the gym. Sometimes he would try to get some work done at home. When Uther completely cut him off he often lowered his blackout curtain then curled up with his laptop to watch some mindless videos and lay in bed for the duration of his time off. When he lay in bed he often didn't eat, actually he probably never ate properly. When Arthur was working he often forgot lunch, if there was a meeting and food he might grab a bite of that, he had a stash of protein bars in his desk. He and his father had a little kitchenette on their floor where Arthur would fill up on coffee, maybe hot chocolate. His father kept some snacks, crisps, nuts, biscuits, crackers, jerky, cereal, there was also some fruit and veg in the fridge but both Arthur and his father weren't huge fans, it was too messy first of all, so normally it went to Isolde or their clients, otherwise it rotted. If Arthur lay in bed late he would either have cereal or a protein bar for breakfast with his coffee, if he had neglected to do groceries or was really short on time he might skip breakfast all together. If he got up at four he would take his time, groceries permitting, he would make a full breakfast, bacon and eggs, potatoes and toast with jam. For dinner it was usually take out, maybe a sandwich or mac and cheese, or leftovers (read: cold takeout). He wasn't very skilled in the kitchen and he couldn't be bothered to do the groceries often. His father had worn him down in regards to hiring a cleaner, she was only allowed in for four hours twice a month, but Uther wanted him to let someone do his groceries, and his general errands, and if it were up to Uther Arthur would have a PA.

Arthur couldn't do that, he couldn't get close to anyone, he'd think he'd fallen in love with them and get his heart broken. He already felt more than he should for Leon, already fucked up his relationship with Uther, his relationship with Morgana had never really formed properly. Somehow they formed their relationship based on hate and teasing, sometimes it felt like it was all in jest and it was just a weird manifestation caused by two only children trying to suddenly act like siblings, but a lot of the time it felt that Morgana really did hate him. He had to be strong but a lot of her jibes hurt him, comments about his inability to get a woman, his acne, his weight gain, how no one loved him, no one would love him, his soul was uglier than his body.

Somewhere along the line Arthur had begun trying to avoid mirrors. He understood their importance; he couldn't very well go into an important meeting with granola between his crooked teeth or dander on his suit’s lapels. He would look into mirrors but he'd only focus on one piece at a time, he still saw the flaws in every piece but at least it helped him stop examining the whole image, he'd be stuck in front of the mirror for hours if he allowed himself to criticize everything. He knew he had low self-esteem, he knew he had insomnia, he knew that he had mood swings and a short temper, knew that he cried a lot now after not having cried in over twenty years, he knew he had more stress than was healthy. He knew all of this was contributing to his poor physical health, his perpetually sore back, numerous tooth and body aches, the bubbles on his hands, perhaps the acne he hadn't been able to shake since he was a teenager, the wrinkles becoming visible around his mouth, under his eyes, and his forehead.

He used to indulge in bubble baths of all things, fill up the soaker tub to the top and sit in it for hours with the jets running, he didn't have half the aches and pains back then. He had always known his love of long, hot bubble baths was girly but it had been the one thing he allowed himself in the comfort and privacy of his home, hell, he had put the soaker tub in with the intention of having bubble baths. Then one night he had been driving home late, almost falling asleep at the wheel. He had opened the windows and blasted the music in attempt to keep himself awake but then the music had switched to a late night talk show and normally he couldn't stand talk shows, the entire reason he didn't listen to the radio in the mornings, but this one caught his attention before he could change the channel because instead of being about celebrity gossip, common news, local events, or cute videos on the internet this one was an educational talk show. That particular night the host had been talking about psychology and that particular segment had mentioned that people who take more long hot baths and showers were trying to compensate for companionship, the hot water mimicking the warmth one normally received from human contact, that if you had a high water bill the solution might be to go out and socialize. But Arthur hadn't heard that part, no he had only heard that he had to stop having his bubble baths because now continuing to have them would be admitting he was weak and lonely and trying to mimic human contact, he was so pathetic. And what if someone like his father looked at his water bill and knew this piece of information, or really what if anyone who had heard this talk show or studied psychology or read something online and got a hold of his water bill thus knowing without a doubt that he was pathetic? It wasn't fair. Arthur had thought he had avoided most of the more pathetic behaviour, yes bubble baths were girly but he thought they were safe, a minor indulgence similar to how some people indulged in tobacco, or chocolate, or binge watching telly, or sex! But no, apparently it was just as bad as having a stuffed animal or a body pillow to cuddle, hiring an escort just to keep you company, or hiring a prostitute just so you could lose your virginity before thirty. God what was wrong with him? The fact that these thoughts even crossed his mind made him weak and unworthy.

In another embarrassing internet search Arthur had tried to figure out what was wrong with him. He found out what the bubbles on his hands were, some weird type of eczema that was near impossible to treat but apparently could be aided with steroid based creams and should completely clear up on its own after a few years, brought on by stress and bad genetics. According to the internet the majority of everything wrong with him was caused by depression. It didn't seem like he had depression though, he read over the symptoms and it just didn't match, yes he had insomnia but his weight hadn’t drastically changed, he hadn't lost interest in activities he just had never had interest in the first place, he didn't feel like he was moving super slowly or super quickly, while he occasionally had difficulty concentrating it was normally due to lack of sleep, he didn't think he was fatigued, he was generally tired because he couldn't sleep, most of these things involved changes though and he had felt like this for much too long to know if it had been a change or if he had always been like this. He closed the tab frustrated and was ready to just call it quits feeling stupid for even looking for something, maybe it was just the way he was born, his personality, his temperament, this could be another punishment. With a forceful tapping of ‘Ctrl + T’ he continued searching, shifting into people's personal accounts of depression rather than the official diagnosis. They said a lot of the same things as the official diagnosis, some new things though that also didn't apply to him included self-harm (that didn’t include hair pulling or face-palming though, did it?), self-medicating (he enjoyed a glass of wine at dinner sometimes and a few beers when watching something but he didn't think that counted as self-medicating and he had never touched illegal substances, and taking a few of Morgana's herbal sleep pills could hardly be self-medicating, could it?), withdrawing from responsibilities like work, school and family. These people made it sound like this came on fast, often without reason and that it was crippling causing them to lose jobs, spots in uni and sports teams, getting them kicked out of flats, being absolutely unable to get out of bed, unable to eat or stop eating, unable to even do simple things like shower and brush their teeth. Clearly this wasn't what Arthur had.

If you know anything about depression you'll realize that our dear Arthur has skipped over a very important criteria in the official diagnosis; that criteria being thoughts about death and suicide. He outright refused to think about it, wouldn't even attempt to justify it because that would be thinking about it. The death part he could manage because he thought this normal. His thoughts included things such as the following; his mother was dead, everyone died eventually, he knew a lot of old people who worked with them and there had been a few funerals, he worried about his father or Morgana dying. But how do you admit, even to yourself, that you want to die? Arthur was certain that it didn't count as being suicidal; he would find his mind wandering to the idea, little fantasies about how he would do it, questions like; would he go to heaven? Would he meet his mother? Would she love him? Would it hurt? What would happen if he failed? He didn't want to take his life, he had no real plan, no supplies, no set date that he was planning to off himself. He didn't want to commit suicide, he would rather die a quick and painless death, maybe be a hero. Maybe he'd push a couple out of the way of a speeding car, maybe he'd be at the mall a mad man would have a gun and he'd take all the bullets, distracting the shooter as everyone else escaped. Sometimes these thoughts comforted him late at night, the knowledge that there were always options, that if things truly got bad he could always get out. Maybe he'd leave a note, maybe he wouldn't, maybe he'd write something meaningful or just something poetic to piss people off. He was firm on the fact though that he was not suicidal, he had no plan to commit suicide, not now, not ever. It was just a little fantasy he played in his head when trying to fall asleep, it was fun thinking about what everyone would do after he left, what kind of funeral would they hold? Who would cry? Who would be the media hogging whore? So he recognized that one day he might construct a plan to kill himself or one day he might spontaneously kill himself, but he wasn't planning to. He wasn't. He couldn't, wouldn't.

It ends up being really spontaneous.

It's his twenty-seventh birthday and he's always hated his birthday because it was the day he killed his mother and as a child Uther never wanted to have celebration on a day of mourning. Later in his life he recalls how he lost the relationship with his only living parent on the day of his birth. Birthdays have always been a curse for him, he isn't superstitious but he treats his birthday the way some people treat Friday the thirteenth. This one is particularly bad, Uther's banned him from work for four whole days, even sending him home early last night, and he’s bored.

Last night he had tried to be positive about the entire thing, breaking down and allowing himself a bath. He had stayed up pretty late even considering that he didn’t have to wake up early, or even at all, today. Despite that he had nothing to do, nothing to worry about finishing he hadn't been able to sleep a wink.

He is twenty-seven now, he can no longer claim to be mid-twenties, he is late twenties and it will all be downhill from here. He doesn’t know how he has done it but he has managed to fool everyone this far into thinking he’s normal. The mid-twenties had still been about growing up; moving away from being dependence on parents, guardians, university staff, and getting your own place, doing your own cleaning and cooking, no more instant noodles or cafeteria food but doing groceries and food prep. It was about finding a job that didn't just pay but paid well and was related to what you were interested in, used your degree. It was about trial and error, slowly making the transition away from partying too hard and damaging your body and settling into adulthood, full of healthy eating and boring taxes. Arthur supposes that yes, he did pretty well in this regard.

Late twenties though are a time for settling down. No more trial and error, no more experimentation, you're expected to find a partner, get married, have kids, buy a house, work your way up the corporate ladder, maybe get a dog, volunteer, anything to raise the next generation because society is a fucking prison and its engineered everyone to become the engineers at this point, raise the next wave of slaves, then move over to accommodate them. But Arthur doesn't fit society's little pattern, never had, always the outcast. Even if he wants it, and he isn't even sure that he does, he can't have it. He doesn't feel bloody sexual attraction to anyone, and honestly the idea of sex still grosses him out. He feels like a child because his mind gets fixated on people with kids, his current main fixation being Isolde since she is pregnant and his mind goes, "ew she had sex! That’s dirty," every time he sees a woman pregnant or with kids, and maybe he wants to be normal and be able to think of sex as something enjoyable, maybe he wants to look at a woman and feel attracted to her, to have his interest spur him into flirting, that leading to dates, dates to a long term relationship, marriage, a house of their own, but he's 100% certain he doesn't want kids. Sorry but he's enough of a fuck up as is; whether it’s due to his genes or his lack of a nurturing environment, he doesn't want to be responsible for his kid suffering like he is suffering. While everything isn't perfect right now he is ahead and beyond this point he can only see a sharp downward incline and hey, might as well quit when you're ahead, right?

Despite all these negative thoughts flying around his head he tries to continue on with his day, he'll reward himself, a nice, greasy breakfast, cup of strong coffee, maybe a walk out back later since he can't go to the gym in the office, maybe that will tire him enough that he'll fall asleep when he crashes in front of the telly later. He can't even do that though. Breakfast is out because he hasn't stalked up on groceries. On top of that he threw out his contact lenses last night because they were getting cloudy and only after he binned them does he realize he doesn't have another pair so he'll have to wear his glasses that manage to make him both like a nerd and a stuck up know-it-all all the while accentuating his wrinkles making him look even older. And then he discovers that he’s out of laundry detergent and of course he threw his only pair of jeans in the wash meaning he can't even go on his walk because it's way too cold for shorts and he can't ruin his dress pants. He feels like he can’t go out like this but is it even possible to psych himself up at this point?

He makes an attempt, eating his cereal and drinking his coffee, then checking his personal email on his phone while a second cup brews. This is probably counterproductive though because the email he’s hoping for isn’t there. It's been over three months now, he should probably give up, he's sent enough emails and if he hadn't scared him off before he's sure he did now with his neediness.

Arthur had had an anonymous online pen pal for a few months, he had enjoyed it, they traded very little personal information, Arthur had been really anxious about his identity being found out or having to lie but his pen pal hadn't pushed. They emailed about twice a week about trivial things, weather, sports, politics, funny stories, stressful situations at work. Arthur had felt that this was the perfect way to get a friend without being at risk of developing feelings for them. If he did develop feelings it didn’t really matter because they would never meet in real life therefore the person wouldn’t be able to read into his expressions and behaviour and know that he felt something that was probably more than friendship towards them. Getting some of his thoughts out, even if he thought they were just minor ones about the stress of work or the joys of the gloomy weather had made him feel better. Then one day after work, being slightly tipsy after his fourth, or maybe fifth beer he had been feeling particularly down and emailed Riley opening up a bit more about how he thought he had depression and asking his opinion on the matter, did Riley think he was depressed? And what about all this asexual stuff? Obviously he had opened up a bit too much. He'd sent a few further emails after not having heard back to apologize (not only did he remember what he did this time but a draft had been saved so he knew exactly what to apologize for), asking Riley to please shoot him a short message even if he didn't want to continue their correspondence just so Arthur knew that he was alright and hadn't been murdered at the questionable gas station he worked at (secretly Arthur just wanted closure more than he wanted to know if Riley was alright, which was wrong of him but that was what he wanted). He still hadn't heard back. Why couldn't he just let it go?

Arthur steps out of the house in his cream bathrobe and slippers to fetch the morning paper, second cup of coffee in hand, grimacing at the day as he opens his front door, trying to ignore it. But his robe is open, belt hanging awkwardly to one side almost trailing on the ground, the lack of the thick, fuzzy fabric protecting his chest allowing him to feel the warmer-than-usual air through his thin uni shirt that he uses as a pyjama top. It is obvious that spring is coming and Arthur hates spring. He quickly goes back inside having retrieved what he was after and tells himself not to dwell on it, he has his paper he will sit back down at the dining table, finish his coffee and read the paper, pretend it was a normal day, at least until he can muster up the courage to go out today.

Finishing up reading the paper he places it with the recycling and looks at the clock and realizes that it is barely after ten. Arthur feels another wave of despair hit him, obviously he'll have to go out, get more detergent for the laundry, order his contacts, get groceries, he doesn’t want to go out like this though, he looks like crap. Maybe he can pull his jeans from the hamper and wear them on his walk, hype himself up for dealing with people? They are already dirty but no one will see him and he will probably only get them dirty with brambles and mud and twigs anyway; why wash them twice? It looks sunny out, maybe it is warm enough for shorts, if not for his walk out back maybe just to Mum in the backyard? He can sit with her for a while, apologize, run back into the house if it is too cold. He opens the accordion blind covering the French doors to look outside assessing his yard after the storm last night in order to determine if an old blanket will do to sit on or if he needs to pull out the camper chair.

Rage hits Arthur, there are fucking flowers pushing up out of the earth already. And not just anywhere, no, right by Mum, mocking him with their life while she is dead. He pulled out all the flowers last year not wanting them to suffocate the tree or be reminded of beautiful life when his beautiful mother is ashes in the ground because of him. He pulls at his face in frustration, why must they mock him growing back year after year when she is dead, why today? He throws open the door, letting it bang against the wall, kicking off his slippers he walks out onto the slightly wet back deck, intent to walk down there and rid himself of those flowers before they're in full bloom. His anger turns to despair, his action to inaction, this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's not just the flowers, spring is in the air, the birds are chirping, the animals are waking up, everything is moving, living, looking for a mate, looking to build a den or a nest, looking to create more life. Life that Arthur doesn't have. Life Ygraine doesn't have.

Which is why, on the morning marking twenty-seven years since he murdered Ygraine, Arthur Pendragon took a walk from his backdoor, through his garden to the apple tree carrying a thick coil of rope and a ladder that he had retrieved from his garage and basement respectively. He breathed in the air which indicated change was coming, listened to the sounds of animals either waking from their hibernation or the young new life finding its legs and he admired the early spring flowers that mocked him with their new life, year after year they would grow back from the dead of winter mocking that Ygraine had been murdered and was never going to live again because of him and that Arthur’s soul, should he have ever had one, had died a long time ago. He was dead inside and the new life usually mocked him but it seemed to have finally quieted now, waiting in anticipation for what was to come. It was time to make the outside match the inside. Arthur set up the ladder before climbing up it, tying one end of the rope to the thickest branch of the apple tree and the other end into a noose before climbing onto the branch and kicking the ladder out of the way. He slipped the noose over his neck and tightened it, there was no room for error, he takes one last breath and closes his eyes, before hanging himself.

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Oh dear reader, how adorable. You scrolled down here with the exact thing Arthur Pendragon did not have: hope. Well I hate to disappoint you but I told you how it ended the first time around. Sorry, did you expect the ending to change? Were you hoping the young Pendragon lives? That even should he die he would find his mother, perhaps even the other half of his coin, Merlin, in the afterlife? This isn’t a fairy tale though, not everyone gets a happy ending. It is time to cast off your hope dear reader, that is if you haven’t done so already, take a lesson from Arthur, hope for a better future is a futile thing, not to mention it is cruel of you to wish that a man who wanted to die lives. If you want to be hopeful about something hope that Arthur’s suffering has ended. Yes, it is a sad thing but this is as close as Arthur Pendragon could get to a happy ending. But this isn’t a fairy tale.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah...,thank you for reading/sorry to put you through that (partly because I really didn't like this piece and partly because if it had the desired effect of upsetting the audience you'd be upset by now).
> 
> Anyway, I wrote this in attempt to reteach myself the benefits of finishing things. So I tried to mix it up a bit to inspire myself. I gave myself a different style to work with (it was supposed to be parallels and a lot of shock value with very little action), used a different method to write (program called yWriter), decided to create something for a fandom I don't normally write for, in said fandom's non-standard setting (if I write anything for Merlin it's normally cannon or at least after Arthur returns), take up the task of (trying to) discover[ing] a side to a well known character that rarely gets explored while still making it believable, changing the length, and giving myself an actual deadline. Of course a deadline means nothing if you allow yourself to slack off just writing an ending and saying "to hell with it" and calling it complete. So I decided that it had to be decent and the only way to do this was to force myself to write it like it would be read (thus I had to publish it to know that people could read it, and apparently I found you lot). I don't know if it all went south when I started or if it was the fact that I was anxious because I knew I was going to force myself to publish it causing me to rewrite most of this several times trying to appeal to the readers rather than myself. In the end I was successful, I finished it and while it is hardly my best work it's decent enough that I feel safe letting others read it (also my deadline is only a few hours away and as this is my first time posting I want to ensure I don't fudge up the posting process).
> 
> Also if anyone was curious I gave Arthur GAD (general anxiety disorder) and dysthymia (depression persisting more than two years as according to the DSM 5), and those little bubble things on his palms/fingers can occur on the soles of the feet as well and are formally known as dyshidrosis eczema, I suffer from it, super itchy/painful/gross depending on which stage its in. Don't be fooled by the lies the internet tells you! After visiting several doctors/dermatologists and spending hundreds on practically every solution the internet lists I can tell you that in the end I got a shoulder shrug and a "well, nothing we've tried works so just hope that it clears up on its own in a few years".
> 
> Extra congratulations if you read through all that I wanted to finish editing tonight/this morning (actually read through the whole thing start to finished not just corrected the red underlines or skimmed it like I normally do) and my entire family has now left for work/school and I'm still sitting here ranting like the sleep deprived zombie that I am so I'm going to end it here, goodnight/day/whatever time it is! 
> 
> Comments/questions/constructive feedback are appreciated and if I can figure out how to reply on this site I might even respond.


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